Obviously

https://arxiv.org/pdf/1710.02633.pdf

The main problem is obviously to find optimal weights of the linear antenna array elements giving radiation pattern with minimum sidelobe level (SLL) and hence ameliorating the antenna array performance.

https://arxiv.org/pdf/1709.02006.pdf

Obviously, ρ(X) = 1 (resp. ρ(X)^G= 1) if and only if each of the sets of θ-lines, η-lines, σ-lines, τ-lines is minimal (resp. G-minimal). But we need the following lemma.

https://arxiv.org/pdf/1402.6516.pdf

While the performance of unsupervised tagging models has been slowly improving, current state-of-the-art systems make the obviously incorrect assumption that all tokens of a given word type must share a single part-of-speech tag.
https://arxiv.org/pdf/1004.5475.pdf

Cluster tilting subcategories are obviously functorially finite and maximal rigid[.]

https://arxiv.org/pdf/1706.01674.pdf

The mass of this bound state is 1422 MeV and its decay width is obviously smaller than that of Λ(1405).

https://arxiv.org/pdf/math/0009089.pdf

If A is finite abelian, then every localization η:A→H is obviously epic, hence |H|≤|A|.
[This is the only use of "epic" in this paper. It is not defined anywhere. -Ed.]

https://arxiv.org/pdf/1703.06841.pdf

Obviously since g^{(k)} is Schwartz, we have that u^{(k)}_0 is a weakly divergence free function in L^3(R^3).

Art

#Beep

A small computer which runs a Poisson process that triggers a single beep on average once a year. A challenge is issued to post a selfie in front of the machine at the #Beep.

Destructivism

A style of installation piece wherein one or more objects are brought in and smashed. The resulting debris is the piece.

Struggle

The artist spends ten hours physically attacking the canvas with his bare hands to symbolize the struggle of painting. Only the still blank canvas is displayed.

Degrees of Abstraction

You make a drawing on some form of edible paper and eat it. You take a picture of the resulting turd.

Fingerprint Counter

A fingerprint reader is connected to an enormous digital display. If you scan your fingerprint into the machine, the number increases by one, as long as you haven't done this before.

The Wisdom of Crowds

There is a plant and a button which waters the plant. The plant will die if people don't push it enough. The plant will also die if people push it too much.

Hostage

Kidnap someone. There are no demands. Display them chained to the wall of an art museum and announce they are being held captive in service to art.

Frank

If an otherworldly spirit appeared before you - poof! - and offered to magically change the name "Mohammed" to "Frank" on every official document, would you say yes?

In a sense, this question reduces to the problem: how unethical is it to inconvenience hundreds of thousands of people because it's funny?

Top Ten Lines from Mike Malone Songs

1. R-I-S-K! R-I-S-K! R-I-S-K!  ... I DIDN'T KNOW THE PLENALTAY!" From "Asteroid Deployed Rap."

2. "You know what I'm sayin'. Words." From "Doctrine of Demons."

3. "This ain't no battle between me and you. This is a battle between yourself. It's a battle between myself. We're battling ourselves, yo." From "To Andy Zhu."

4. "Gettin' that feeling that's tingly like love." From "Love Poem - Free Style."

5. "I rebuke all unclean spirits in the name of Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus!" From "I Rebuke All Unclean Spirits in the Name of Jesus."

6. "Knock, knock, knock. Jesus Christ is at the door." From "Malone FLOW yo yo."

7. "If you're around guys... you probably get the voice of the lies telling you, 'hey, be gay, give it a try.'" From "Don't be gay."

8. "He's my Lord and Saviour. He's my favorite flavor." From, "JESUS YEAH."

9. 'I understand God's Plan. Something like Peter Pan and Never-Never Land." From "REBUKE SATAN."

10. "I ain't even religious. Me and Christ are just in a relation. Ship!" From "Is this song about you."

The Game of Bottle Cap Soccer

Materials:

• Black plastic folding table, such as can be acquired at Wal-Mart
• Seven bottle caps: two triples of identical caps (preferably unbent); and a lone cap, which is best somewhat bent
• chalk of the highest caliber

Setup:

1. The game is played on one half of the table. Players stand facing each other on opposite sides of the table. Draw a circle in the center. Each player draws an equal sized rectangle, centered horizontally, with one long edge on the edge of the table they're standing in front of. This is each player's goal.
2.  Flip a bottle cap. The winner is offense.
3. Place the unique cap face/printed side down in the center circle. This cap is called the ball. The loser of the bottle cap toss is defending first. They arrange their three caps face/printed side up however they like on their half of the field.
4. The offense may now set up their caps however they like on their half of the field.
5. An example of a correctly set up table:
   
    

Gameplay:

1. The object of the game is to score by getting the ball to come to rest on the table inside your opponent's goal. The ball may enter from any direction. If any part of a cap touches the boundary line and/or interior of the goal, the cap counts as inside the goal. Scoring resets the game with you (i.e. the player who scored) as the defender.
2. Games are typically played to 5, win by 2. Matches are frequently decided by the best of 3 games. 
3. The offense flicks 1 of their 3 caps in order to move the ball toward their opponent's goal. The cap may touch any other caps on the table, including those of the defense. 
4. If this hasn't resulted in a score, the other player now takes a shot. Continue alternating turns in this fashion until someone scores. If any caps fall off or cross into the other half of the table, see the section "Out of Bounds."
5. If the ball ends the turn on the table inside your opponent's goal and it is not a score, then it counts as going out of bounds on your opponent's side. See the section "Out of Bounds" for more information.
6. If the ball ends the turn within one cap's width of the boundary, move it perpendicular to the boundary so that it's two caps' width away from the edge. This does not include the boundary of the goal.
7. If the ball ends up on top of a player's cap, move it to the closest position where it can lay flat on the table. Likewise if a player's cap ends the tun on top of the ball or any other cap, move it to the closest place it can lay flat.

Out of Bounds:

1. If the ball goes out of bounds on the side, return it face down to where it went out of bounds. The opponent flicks the ball directly next turn instead of flicking one of their own caps. See rule 6 about scoring when flicking the ball directly.
2. If the ball goes out of bounds on your opponent's side of the table, place it face down, centered horizontally in front of your opponent's goal. The opponent flicks the ball directly next turn instead of flicking one of their own caps. See rule 6 about scoring when flicking the ball directly.
3. If the ball goes out of bounds on your side of the table, place it face down on the corner of the table closes to where it went out of bounds. The opponent flicks the ball directly next turn instead of flicking one of their own caps. See rule 6 about scoring when flicking the ball directly.
4. If a player's cap goes off the table anywhere but behind either goal, return it face up to where it went out of bounds.
5. If a player's cap goes out of bounds behind either goal, place it face up in front of the goal aligned with where it went out of bounds.
6. If you are flicking the ball directly, you can only score if the ball touches one of your own caps before or while coming to rest. 

Special Weird Flip Rule:

Normally, if the ball is flipped face up, flip it back face down. Likewise, if a player's cap is flipped face down, flip it face up again. But, if your turn ends with the ball flipped face up and the cap you flicked face down, the ball is now your cap and the cap you flicked is now the ball.

How Do You Define Meaning?

You can't. But what does it mean to not be able to? What does it mean to mean? So therefore meaning isn't meaningful. But what does that mean? But what does the previous thing mean? But you can't define meaning in terms of meaning. But how do you define define?

What is the experience of transcendence? It can only be what you're experiencing right now, because you can only define experience is terms of something happening over an arbitrarily short amount of time. But over an  other experiences. arbitrarily short amount of time,  But that is false. What I'm experiencing is not transcendence. It's  So the concept of transcendence doesn't have any meaning. 

But wait

What is the experience of transcendence? You can only define transcendence in terms of other experiences. Because how do you define experience? You can only do it in terms of other experiences. If you can only define experience in terms of experience, then the only information you could possibly have about an experience comes from the experience you're having right now. And that experience isn't transcendence, because you're asking what transcendence is right now. So you can't experience transcendence. So the concept of transcendence is meaningless.

Things Which Should Not Have A Film Adaptation

• Everybody Poops
• Trypophobia
• Deodorant
• Categories for the Working Mathematician
• Most bike manuals
• Entertainment Weekly?
• sweatyballs.net
• Breitbart
• Strunk and White
• Geoguessr
• Amazon Prime Day
• Yarn
• The Netflix terms of service
• Crossfit

A Four Character Dialog

A Bulgarian Mathematician: I feel like the hardest theorems are in analysis, and really any analyst should be able to figure out any other theorems.

A Sentient Drawing of a Klein Bottle: Figure out yo' dick!

A Bulgarian Mathematician: My dick is right in front of me, thank you.

An Alternate Historian: No one can explain the location of your dick. It's a mystery.

SDKB: Let's play truth or dare.

A Chemist: Truth. No wait, dare.

SDKB: What's the meaning of life? No, wait: okay, discover the meaning of life!

Ch: Uh...

BM: She clearly doesn't have enough math to express the meaning of life.

AH: The Sumerians discovered math far more advanced than that.

BM: We should move on to the next song.

SDKB: (sings along)

BM: (incredulous) You know this song really well!

SDKB: (continues singing along)

BM: (to Chemist) You should take a dare! ... Okay, I'll take a dare!

(silence all around)

BM: What, are you afraid to give me my dare?

SDKB: Tell us how Bob died! You know it... mathematician.

BM: Say something, chemist!

AH: Ho ho ho.

(ambulance siren)

SDKB: Oh dear.

SDKB: That's the most beautiful rendering of "balls in yo mouth" I've ever seen.

AH: It's gorgeous.

BM: What makes octaves have the thing? With the doubling.... you know.

Lifestyle Tips for Sweaty Balls

Guest post from Classy.Sweatyballs.net

To truly appreciate the depth of any good French non-champagne, one must sip it from mismatched glasses of differing sizes.
 

Do we need an audience?

The time has come for a discussion. The future of this enterprise hinges on its conclusions. The question looms: do we need an audience? Does it matter if anyone reads this pile of pixels?

A resounding "no" flies in the face of convention, and thus appeals to my contrary nature. Would you rather be a flamingo or a flaming "O"?

A "yes" elevates me to the role of public intellectual. A lofty perch indeed.

A Ranked List Of All The Words In the Oster TSSTTRWF2R Manual

1. abrasive 
2. adjustment
3. accumulate
4. all
5. a 
6. according 
7. address
8. allow
9. acts
10. after
11. above
12. against
13. about
14. again
15. AC

...wait, how are there three hundred unique words in the instructions for a toaster?

Reviews

Of Bud Light Platinum: 

 

"Poured into a standard pint glass, color is straw gold, head is 1/2'' thick, but dissipates immediately.

Smell is grainy, bland, corn, ugh.

Taste is all corn and awful grain - i'm going to pour out a portion of it.

Mouthfeel is way over caronated, too crisp and mixed with over sweetened - but not to balance or blend.

Overall, awful beer. "

 

Of Socks: 

 

"Shame on Hanes. When you slide your feet into these socks, you might as well drive your feet into the sand. The material is rough, the elastic is crap and the stitching by the toes will dig into your tender feet. My shop towels are softer than these socks. Shame on you Hanes. I understand saving a buck, but have some class and show some honor. Shame on you."

Of A Pen:

"The accents are copper colored, not rose gold. The pen is twice as heavy as it should be, which means that it will pull down the top of the shirt pocket edge. It is oddly tapered from the cap down. Contrary to another review, G2 gel ink refills do NOT fit this pen; not even close. On the plus side, the taper on the grip is perfect."

 

Of Cooking Twine:

"Not what is pictured. I have been a chef for years now and I know twine. Let me tell you. The one that is in the picture is much larger than what showed up. It's my fault for not knowing the length of the twine real I usually buy but this is also just false advertising. What you get is really small and nowhere near what is pictured. What is pictured showed if ninjas to guess 10 times more twine than what you get."

 

Of A Coffee Grinder:

"Have owned an older and more expensive Cuisinart conical Burr grinder for probably 8 years which was great until it wasn't. Thought I would try a less expensive model but it would not shut off automatically - had to pull the plug. The switch is very flimsy and it was very slow to grind the beans.
Which brings me to the major problem, the NOISE is deafening. Not just the decibels but the pitch. Sounds like a jet airplane taking off. Saw reviews that this was loud but on some youtube videos, it didn't seem to be as screechingly unbearable to the point where I had to block the ears or leave the room when it was grinding beans. See attached screenshot of decibel test.
Because it seemed very slow, maybe the beans were not going through the grinder at the correct rate, which would affect the sound of the motor. Also read many reviews that it breaks after a few months after I decided to return it."

Of A Pocket Dictionary:

"Pathetic. Many words I've looked up are missing entirely! Everyday words such as "cognitive," "vet" (the verb), "excoriate," "cry" (the noun), "sibilant," "egregious" and "sublingual." Simple words that should be in any dictionary.

This dictionary might be OK for a child under the age of 5, to help them learn to use one, or perhaps for someone new the English language, to carry around. Otherwise, it's yet another example of illiteracy becoming the norm in our culture."

Of "The Secret Language of Relationships: Your complete personology guide to any relationship with anyone":

"Don't dismiss this books insight. This book is law and you will find it is almost 100% right. Like a wise old woman this book provides insight into yourself and others."

Of Sugar:

"Tastes like saccharin."

Albums Taken from beside a Garbage Can Tonight

This is not a hobby, but a bountiful harvest.

• Ed Bruce, "One to One"
  
• Fred Gerlach, "Songs My Mother Never Sang"
• Boxcar Willie, "Last Train to Heaven"
  
• George Shearing Quintet, "Shearing in Hi Fi"
• Davina, "Come over to My Place ft. Common" and Ol' Dirty Bastard and La the Darkman, "So Good (so dirty remix)"
• Jadakiss, "Keep Ya Head Up ft. Ann Nesby" and "Cruisin'" ft. Snoop Dogg
• Luis Jimenez Conducting Music of the Bullfights, "Fury of the Brave Bulls"
• "Unforgettable Voices in Unforgettable Performances from the German Operatic Repertoire"
• "The Columbia Album of Irving Berlin"
• Full Circle, "Myth America"
• Patrick O'Hagan, "Dear Little Shamrock"
  
• Becky Hobbs, "All Keyed Up"
  
• Kerry Campbell, "Phoenix Rising"
• "The Artistry of Cesare Valetti"
• Ensemble 13 Baden-Baden, "Waltzes by Strauss"

The three Bill Cosby records were left in the pile.

Things Learned From Geoguessr

THINGS WE LEARNED FROM GEOGUESSR

1. South Africa has a lot of languages
2. Sweden has beautiful structures. Norway has beautiful scenery. Finland is a little redneck.
3. Siberia is the prettiest part of Russia
4. Brazil looks a lot like southeast Asia
5. Argentina is a desolate wasteland
6. All of New Zealond looks like Lord of the Rings
7. We still aren't sure what Romania looks like (but if it looks eastern European but not Russian, it's a fair guess).
8. Australian trees have a lot of trunks
9. If it doesn't tell you you're in Texas, you're probably not in Texas
10. Alaska looks a lot like the rest of the western US
11. Antananarivo, Madagascar is a beautiful city
12. Every single part of France tries really hard to be French
13. But if the stop signs are in French, you're in Quebec
14. Japan loves road mirrors
15. If it's America without enough road signs, it's Canada. (you'll be able to tell if it's Mexico)

Counterfactuals

• How much would you pay to definitively confirm or deny that there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe?
• If lamps could talk, what do you think they would say to us?
• If 6 actually were afraid of 7, how would this change the foundations of mathematics?
• Would you rather be unable to open doors or unable to close doors for the rest of your life?
• If all tools were sentient cartoon creatures, what profession would be most altered, and how?
• If a cheese grater makes the cheese smaller, would a cheese less make the cheese larger? That's just a dumb joke. 
• If you could fly but could only go three feet into the air and to everyone watching you it would look like you were walking around on the ground flapping your arms crazily, how often would you use this ability?
• If you could live your life backwards, would you?
• Would you pay $1000 and drive 10 hours to a place where it was raining backwards?
• If you had to either: slip the ethnicity of the person you're talking to into every conversation; or, during every conversation, you had to ask them if they wanted to lick your balls; which one would you choose?
• What if, when babies got too large for pacifiers, they were each given a doorknob instead?
• If you had the skill to flip a coin so that it looks extremely random but always ends up on the same side, would you use this power for evil?
• If you could teleport anywhere on Earth but each time had a 1/1000 chance of dying, how many times would you use it?
• How much would you pay to look exactly like William Shakespeare for a day? Would anyone recognize you?
• If you could at any time get a free apple, but you have to first watch somebody vomit in front of you and then disappear having been seen only by you, would you use that ability?
• How much would you pay for the ability to eat metal cans? They would not have any affect on you or your teeth.
• What if all doorknobs were cocks?
• If you could, by concentrating hard, make a person grow a foot-long hair out of the top of their nose over the course of a week, how often would you do this?
• If eating rice had the same effect on you as smoking marijuana, how much rice would you eat?
• If you had a hand coming out of your butt, and it was sentient and got along well with you, would you have it removed?
• If you knew for a fact that you were going to die on your 500th laugh, beginning now, how would that change how you live your life?
• If you had a condition where you would die if you didn't get a friend to be surgically attached to you, do you think you could find one to agree?
• If you could travel backwards in time up to 5 seconds, how would you use this?
• Would you rather have your arms on backwards or your legs on backwards?
• If you had a pet rabbit that was mostly white with a little black stripe and fluffy as the softest of cottons, what would you name it?
•  Would you rather have 20,000 fifty dollar bills or 200,000,000 pennies surrounding you right now?
• What would be the most difficult change you would have to make to your life if it became a reality show for children?
• If you had to legally change your name to a random word from the dictionary, but you got to choose what page it was from, what page would you choose?
• If every time you looked someone in the eye, they turned to stone, what brand of sunglasses would you wear?
• If you could have knives for hands or hands for knives, which would you prefer? (obviously the second)
• Would you rather do your shit or waste more time?