A Dream I Had Last Night

Balls McBallface and I got mixed up in the wrong crowd when Balls accidentally fired a shotgun. Nobody was injured, but the gangsters we were with wanted to give us a lesson about firearm safety. They told us that they were going to cut off all of our fingers with a knife. However, they gave us a choice. If we wanted, we could keep our middle fingers. I remember thinking hard about the decision on whether it was worth keeping two fingers or whether I'd prefer to just have stubs. I was relived when I woke up that I wouldn't have to decide.

Looks the Part

Match the picture with the caption!

(A) Performer from the "golden age of porn" who said he'd consider shooting a scene with his own daughter when she came of age.

(B) Made contact by means of magical sex rituals with the god Aiwass, who told him that "do as thou wilt is the whole of the law."

(C) Only person to win two Magic: The Gathering world championships.

(D) Drank a liter of beer in 1.3 seconds in 1977. His record stands. 

(E) American musician, composer, theoretician, poet and inventor of several musical instruments.

(F) Wrote a third of all Wikipedia Articles.

(G) Conspiracy theorist who died in a shootout with federal officials over not paying his taxes.

(H) Won a French Scrabble championship without speaking any French.

(I) Bank robber who stripped naked and ran down Las Olas Boulevard tossing money in order to further his comedy career.

(J) Added "CBE" for "Conqueror of the British Empire" to his official title, claiming to have conquered the United Kingdom.

(K) Genius mathematician who turned down two million dollar prizes for his groundbreaking discovery, and then quit his job and moved in with his mother.

(L) Founder of an apocalyptic cult with a secret chemical weapons program.

(M) Biblical studies major who has reviewed over 5000 board games since 2002.

(N) Former Donkey Kong world record holder whose title was stripped for cheating.

(O) Creator of McAfee antivirus software.