Top Ten Lines from Mike Malone Songs

1. R-I-S-K! R-I-S-K! R-I-S-K!  ... I DIDN'T KNOW THE PLENALTAY!" From "Asteroid Deployed Rap."

2. "You know what I'm sayin'. Words." From "Doctrine of Demons."

3. "This ain't no battle between me and you. This is a battle between yourself. It's a battle between myself. We're battling ourselves, yo." From "To Andy Zhu."

4. "Gettin' that feeling that's tingly like love." From "Love Poem - Free Style."

5. "I rebuke all unclean spirits in the name of Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus!" From "I Rebuke All Unclean Spirits in the Name of Jesus."

6. "Knock, knock, knock. Jesus Christ is at the door." From "Malone FLOW yo yo."

7. "If you're around guys... you probably get the voice of the lies telling you, 'hey, be gay, give it a try.'" From "Don't be gay."

8. "He's my Lord and Saviour. He's my favorite flavor." From, "JESUS YEAH."

9. 'I understand God's Plan. Something like Peter Pan and Never-Never Land." From "REBUKE SATAN."

10. "I ain't even religious. Me and Christ are just in a relation. Ship!" From "Is this song about you."

The Game of Bottle Cap Soccer

Materials:

• Black plastic folding table, such as can be acquired at Wal-Mart
• Seven bottle caps: two triples of identical caps (preferably unbent); and a lone cap, which is best somewhat bent
• chalk of the highest caliber

Setup:

1. The game is played on one half of the table. Players stand facing each other on opposite sides of the table. Draw a circle in the center. Each player draws an equal sized rectangle, centered horizontally, with one long edge on the edge of the table they're standing in front of. This is each player's goal.
2.  Flip a bottle cap. The winner is offense.
3. Place the unique cap face/printed side down in the center circle. This cap is called the ball. The loser of the bottle cap toss is defending first. They arrange their three caps face/printed side up however they like on their half of the field.
4. The offense may now set up their caps however they like on their half of the field.
5. An example of a correctly set up table:
   
    

Gameplay:

1. The object of the game is to score by getting the ball to come to rest on the table inside your opponent's goal. The ball may enter from any direction. If any part of a cap touches the boundary line and/or interior of the goal, the cap counts as inside the goal. Scoring resets the game with you (i.e. the player who scored) as the defender.
2. Games are typically played to 5, win by 2. Matches are frequently decided by the best of 3 games. 
3. The offense flicks 1 of their 3 caps in order to move the ball toward their opponent's goal. The cap may touch any other caps on the table, including those of the defense. 
4. If this hasn't resulted in a score, the other player now takes a shot. Continue alternating turns in this fashion until someone scores. If any caps fall off or cross into the other half of the table, see the section "Out of Bounds."
5. If the ball ends the turn on the table inside your opponent's goal and it is not a score, then it counts as going out of bounds on your opponent's side. See the section "Out of Bounds" for more information.
6. If the ball ends the turn within one cap's width of the boundary, move it perpendicular to the boundary so that it's two caps' width away from the edge. This does not include the boundary of the goal.
7. If the ball ends up on top of a player's cap, move it to the closest position where it can lay flat on the table. Likewise if a player's cap ends the tun on top of the ball or any other cap, move it to the closest place it can lay flat.

Out of Bounds:

1. If the ball goes out of bounds on the side, return it face down to where it went out of bounds. The opponent flicks the ball directly next turn instead of flicking one of their own caps. See rule 6 about scoring when flicking the ball directly.
2. If the ball goes out of bounds on your opponent's side of the table, place it face down, centered horizontally in front of your opponent's goal. The opponent flicks the ball directly next turn instead of flicking one of their own caps. See rule 6 about scoring when flicking the ball directly.
3. If the ball goes out of bounds on your side of the table, place it face down on the corner of the table closes to where it went out of bounds. The opponent flicks the ball directly next turn instead of flicking one of their own caps. See rule 6 about scoring when flicking the ball directly.
4. If a player's cap goes off the table anywhere but behind either goal, return it face up to where it went out of bounds.
5. If a player's cap goes out of bounds behind either goal, place it face up in front of the goal aligned with where it went out of bounds.
6. If you are flicking the ball directly, you can only score if the ball touches one of your own caps before or while coming to rest. 

Special Weird Flip Rule:

Normally, if the ball is flipped face up, flip it back face down. Likewise, if a player's cap is flipped face down, flip it face up again. But, if your turn ends with the ball flipped face up and the cap you flicked face down, the ball is now your cap and the cap you flicked is now the ball.

How Do You Define Meaning?

You can't. But what does it mean to not be able to? What does it mean to mean? So therefore meaning isn't meaningful. But what does that mean? But what does the previous thing mean? But you can't define meaning in terms of meaning. But how do you define define?

What is the experience of transcendence? It can only be what you're experiencing right now, because you can only define experience is terms of something happening over an arbitrarily short amount of time. But over an  other experiences. arbitrarily short amount of time,  But that is false. What I'm experiencing is not transcendence. It's  So the concept of transcendence doesn't have any meaning. 

But wait

What is the experience of transcendence? You can only define transcendence in terms of other experiences. Because how do you define experience? You can only do it in terms of other experiences. If you can only define experience in terms of experience, then the only information you could possibly have about an experience comes from the experience you're having right now. And that experience isn't transcendence, because you're asking what transcendence is right now. So you can't experience transcendence. So the concept of transcendence is meaningless.

Things Which Should Not Have A Film Adaptation

• Everybody Poops
• Trypophobia
• Deodorant
• Categories for the Working Mathematician
• Most bike manuals
• Entertainment Weekly?
• sweatyballs.net
• Breitbart
• Strunk and White
• Geoguessr
• Amazon Prime Day
• Yarn
• The Netflix terms of service
• Crossfit

A Four Character Dialog

A Bulgarian Mathematician: I feel like the hardest theorems are in analysis, and really any analyst should be able to figure out any other theorems.

A Sentient Drawing of a Klein Bottle: Figure out yo' dick!

A Bulgarian Mathematician: My dick is right in front of me, thank you.

An Alternate Historian: No one can explain the location of your dick. It's a mystery.

SDKB: Let's play truth or dare.

A Chemist: Truth. No wait, dare.

SDKB: What's the meaning of life? No, wait: okay, discover the meaning of life!

Ch: Uh...

BM: She clearly doesn't have enough math to express the meaning of life.

AH: The Sumerians discovered math far more advanced than that.

BM: We should move on to the next song.

SDKB: (sings along)

BM: (incredulous) You know this song really well!

SDKB: (continues singing along)

BM: (to Chemist) You should take a dare! ... Okay, I'll take a dare!

(silence all around)

BM: What, are you afraid to give me my dare?

SDKB: Tell us how Bob died! You know it... mathematician.

BM: Say something, chemist!

AH: Ho ho ho.

(ambulance siren)

SDKB: Oh dear.

SDKB: That's the most beautiful rendering of "balls in yo mouth" I've ever seen.

AH: It's gorgeous.

BM: What makes octaves have the thing? With the doubling.... you know.

Lifestyle Tips for Sweaty Balls

Guest post from Classy.Sweatyballs.net

To truly appreciate the depth of any good French non-champagne, one must sip it from mismatched glasses of differing sizes.
 

Do we need an audience?

The time has come for a discussion. The future of this enterprise hinges on its conclusions. The question looms: do we need an audience? Does it matter if anyone reads this pile of pixels?

A resounding "no" flies in the face of convention, and thus appeals to my contrary nature. Would you rather be a flamingo or a flaming "O"?

A "yes" elevates me to the role of public intellectual. A lofty perch indeed.

A Ranked List Of All The Words In the Oster TSSTTRWF2R Manual

1. abrasive 
2. adjustment
3. accumulate
4. all
5. a 
6. according 
7. address
8. allow
9. acts
10. after
11. above
12. against
13. about
14. again
15. AC

...wait, how are there three hundred unique words in the instructions for a toaster?