Some Foundational Myths of American Society, as it stood circa June of 2019

1. Our society has no myths.
2. The individual existed before other people showed up.
3. The goal of life is to be the best.
4. I could be working 24 hours a day and be perfectly happy.

A Dream I Had Last Night

Balls McBallface and I got mixed up in the wrong crowd when Balls accidentally fired a shotgun. Nobody was injured, but the gangsters we were with wanted to give us a lesson about firearm safety. They told us that they were going to cut off all of our fingers with a knife. However, they gave us a choice. If we wanted, we could keep our middle fingers. I remember thinking hard about the decision on whether it was worth keeping two fingers or whether I'd prefer to just have stubs. I was relived when I woke up that I wouldn't have to decide.

Looks the Part

Match the picture with the caption!

(A) Performer from the "golden age of porn" who said he'd consider shooting a scene with his own daughter when she came of age.

(B) Made contact by means of magical sex rituals with the god Aiwass, who told him that "do as thou wilt is the whole of the law."

(C) Only person to win two Magic: The Gathering world championships.

(D) Drank a liter of beer in 1.3 seconds in 1977. His record stands. 

(E) American musician, composer, theoretician, poet and inventor of several musical instruments.

(F) Wrote a third of all Wikipedia Articles.

(G) Conspiracy theorist who died in a shootout with federal officials over not paying his taxes.

(H) Won a French Scrabble championship without speaking any French.

(I) Bank robber who stripped naked and ran down Las Olas Boulevard tossing money in order to further his comedy career.

(J) Added "CBE" for "Conqueror of the British Empire" to his official title, claiming to have conquered the United Kingdom.

(K) Genius mathematician who turned down two million dollar prizes for his groundbreaking discovery, and then quit his job and moved in with his mother.

(L) Founder of an apocalyptic cult with a secret chemical weapons program.

(M) Biblical studies major who has reviewed over 5000 board games since 2002.

(N) Former Donkey Kong world record holder whose title was stripped for cheating.

(O) Creator of McAfee antivirus software.

A great end of the night conversation after buying a $100 Mona Lisa replica

"Hey, wanna see something kinda cool? I keep it in plastic because it's supposed to keep it safer and... well you'll see"

"It's a replica of the Mona Lisa?"

"No... not a replica, this is the Mona Lisa. It was stolen from the Louvre in 1911 and they never got the right one back."

"You're shitting me."
 
"No, seriously, I'm not kidding. My great grandfather ran an art gallery. It passed through his hands while it was missing in 1911, and he switched it with a copy."

"Come on, that's crazy. You're not serious."

"Look at this tiny stroke of green here. You won't find this on the one at the Louvre but you can just make it out in a few pre-1911 photographs of the Mona Lisa."

"Wait, so you're like... a multimillionare? Aren't the police looking for this?"

"As far as anyone in the art world is concerned, it's in the Louvre. Who's looking for it? I can't sell it, I'd have to return it to the museum. And who'd really be better off? It's not like the guys at the Louvre are going to be thrilled to find out they've been displaying a fake for 100 years and no one noticed."

"......"

"Don't tell too many people about it, okay? I don't want to get any awkward calls from anyone."

Rotating My Tires

Today I need to:
1) Rotate my tires
2) Put my pants on an ass
3) Expel water from my faucet
4) Heat my stove
5) Step on my shoes
6) Burn my fireplace
7) Vibrate a guitar
8) Suck photons into my eyes
9) See a man about a horse
10) See a horse about a man
11) See a man about a man
12) See a horse about a dog
13) See an optometrist about your grandmother

It's Time for a Chernobyl!!

A few posts ago, we described a variety of drinks including the Chernobyl. Tonight, we decided to make one. 

We do not recommend it.

Top 10 Professions With One Famous Practitioner

10) Cellist-  Yo Yo Ma

9) Pan Flutist- Gheorghe Zamfir

8) Graffiti Artist- Banksy

7) Comic Book Author- Stan Lee

6) Cyclist-  Lance Armstrong

5) Performing Whale- Shamu

4) Film Critic- Roger Ebert

3) Violin Maker- Antonio Stradivari

2) Crossword editor- Will Shortz

1) Linguist- Noam Chomsky